Can you see how much you touch? Can you see how one moment, brush up against someone or tone to your voice can move, effect, affect, inspire, motivate, or destroy someone else and most importantly you? It's the little things. These little paintings and sketches are something I'm doing with this intention. What little things in your world do you touch and touch you?
Predictability: Redundancy in the way we think and expect things to pan out is so freaking boring. I like when I get sick of myself sometimes and decide to do something about it. Like paint my face magenta, read books backwards or from just flipping any page open and of course painting Rainbow Bears' portrait. She is definitely the best one.
Heart has come up so much this week. Do you live from yours? How do you receive and exchange information? Isn't it more clear when we use our heart to filter everything first? I receive information through my body and in the past it would get stuck there. If I receive it through my brain first, forget about it! That is like the worst game of telephone ever. When I lead with my heart in communication in giving and receiving it is the truest and purest form. How bout you?
"Taking the extra step to filter my words through my heart before I speak has been the most incredible experience and process I've recently have been very aware of. Everything I've been saying prior to that awareness I know always came with pure intention and love to everyone I'm interacting with, but not so much towards myself. Communicating just through my mind creates a inner battle of thoughts of "trying" to fight and filter and control how my outside perspective of myself is perceived. When I filter it through my heart I feel the power of the depths of wisdom and love from my soul, BEInG the driving force that smooths my words with its pure knowing. I've never felt so grounded. I've never felt so clear. The actions I need to take next are obvious. I feel like before I was just trying to convince myself of who I am. Speaking from that place of knowing I am. No justifying, no fighting I just am."
Okay Day 4 of my painting a day giveaway! What is your first memory of playing outside and being in nature? I used to live in a house that had a canyon as my backyard. I was an only kid and would be out there exploring for hours on my own. Searching for snails and ladybugs, making mud cakes and having secret meetings under the trees.
This is Chris' winning response! He gave the painting to his 8 year old daughter for her birthday.
"We'll my first memory that qualifies is from when I was about 6 or 7 moths old. I was crawling on the back porch. I can still feel the cement under my hands, very porous. I saw a daddy long leg walking towards me so I picked it up by the leg and watched it squirm and twitch, then I put it in my mouth! Oh how I still remember how that thing felt in the back of my mouth and going down my throat. My mom ran over and scooped me up but the spider was gone by then. I know it's extremely rare, but I have a handful of memories from my first year. I don't know if I was cognizant at the time (isn't that the million dollar question) or if I've translated those feelings into fully formed memories as I've grown. I do know it freaks my mom out when I relay them back to her. They aren't stories she tells or necessarily remembers but apparently my descriptions of my surroundings and places are dead accurate."
She sent me an awesome picture of herself with her painting and then wrote this! I sent her this sweet little botanical mixed media piece.
"I was unpacking some boxes and came across this...I think I was around 8 when I did it...lol...I got inspired last time you shared your work so last week when I came across a deal on watercolors I snagged them...not familiar with the medium but it should be fun...its been 40 yrs since I painted, but hell I remembered how to ride a bike so this should be a picnic...lolol...btw don't worry about sharing a painting with me...someday I plan on having you paint a vision board for me...just keep spreading your love and light...thanks bunches..."
I'm so inspired right now that all I have to do is have an intention and put some action behind it and magic exists. I'm only on day 2 of my free painting giveaway and I am so full of love and gratitude for what is happening. I painted todays painting specifically for a young girl in a dark place. Her beautiful Aunt thought it would cheer her up. In this video I offer others to send her something sweet as well and holy smokes have people spoken up about how they want to give too!
Watch this video and have a chance to receive a free one of a kind painting from me! For 30 days I will be doing a small sketch painting after my meditations. Please comment regarding topic of the day and I will choose one of you that I connect with the most. I'll just need your address!
What is in a name? Have you ever wondered how incredible it is that you end up with a word, a symphony of syllables and vowels that represent who you are? I just finished a painting and am trying to give it a title. I'm trying to define something that just happened out of thin air and give it a substantial recognition of how to be identified.
Looking at myself and my name just became a way for my brain to discover how this even comes about and where does it even come from? You come out of your mom and they look at you and call you this word for the entirety of your life. Most of us just accept it.
I was relating this to another experience last week. I had to find my dog Lilac a new home. It was devastating I'm actually crying again just within this short sentence. My apartment was just too small for her joy about life. I found her the most amazing family it really couldn't be any more perfect.
They were very quick to name her something else. They asked my permission. I thought it was extremely compassionate for them to ask me but honestly, I really couldn't see me having any say. Maybe because Lilacs' existence changed her name needed to change too?
This painting is calling to me to call it something. I guess I've been indecisive because my initial thought is that the name is so permanent. But really, isn't it constantly changing? That is really powerful for me to realize.
I don't ever plan on physically changing my name but I have to say looking at it in this perspective makes me realize how much it does change. It's inflection changes as I get older, the way I hear people say it sounds different. It means so much more to me then it did yesterday. When I turn 90 my name will have an entire life story under every expression. When people say my name it will resonate through the universe with depth, soul and wisdom. When I say my name it will be of me and never anything separate.
I love that we try to define things that just are. I love that my name, even though millions of other people have the same one, is mine and can only be about me. I love that if I wanted to, I could call myself something different with new letters and a new tone and it would mean exactly the same thing.
susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.
"we were in a vulnerable position"synonyms:helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, weak, susceptible
"he was scared and vulnerable"
This definition just gave me a huge body shock. I'm shaking. I use this word a lot. I've used this word to describe myself in times of opening and releasing. I use this word to describe amazing people speaking from their heart and speaking their truth. "Man that was incredible, they were so vulnerable up there, I can completely relate to them!"
I defined myself as this word this weekend. I actually felt free using it and allowing myself to convey such an intimate feeling. I used this idea as a way of connecting to other people that I believed were feeling and acting the same. We were all being so "open and vulnerable". It was beautiful. It brings tears to me eyes thinking about it.
How did I start using this word so commonly when I didn't even know the true definition? I've been misusing this word my entire life. When I'm feeling open and completely releasing all of my emotional barriers, society is telling me that I am helpless. That I am weak. That someone is going to shank me!
No wonder it's so difficult to drop the heaviness, the protective armor. I don't want people to see me struggle with my demons. I fear not being loved. I fear not being good enough. I fear success because I like my comfort zone. I don't believe I can make money as an artist. My body isn't normal. Nobody sees me.
Somewhere, we were lead to believe that we are in an emotional battle and the more we keep it in, the more we can get away with. We look independent, strong and like we have it all together. We believe that we are susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm when dropping the barriers to live and be truth. What in the hell is that?
We're only hiding.
I'm not vulnerable. I'm fearless and strong and able to release old patterns of thought outside of myself. I can share how I feel, all of the dark scary parts, express them outward into the light, where queens slay dragons and a single name eradicates the Nothing.
These old beliefs, habits and patterns are vulnerable, not me and not you.
This willingness to accept and allow the truest parts of ourselves is conducive to the mass awakening in consciousness and creativity. If we aren't available and willing to let source come through us to create amazing art, life will stop. If we aren't willing to awaken to the fact that we live life through perception, the search and struggle to define who we are will continue.
I've always considered myself a willing person. I've always gone with the flow, been super flexible and just let things happen as they may. My laid back nature has allowed many circumstance and situations to occur in ease, except those times when I was willing but it was because I was willing to compromise myself. I felt if I was willing to do what others would ask, force, expect or hold over me, it was a service to them. Because I didn't care too much which way I moved, I'd allow it and with that, allow a life not mine. I lived for others and I lived for expectations.
I was willing to stay in a stagnant relationship in hopes that we would get better. I was willing to stop painting and creating so that I could work my job (uggh) because it was the only way I knew how to make money. I was willing to be chronically sick so I could have a reason to live small. I was willing to dismiss and judge other beliefs and I was willing to deny myself connection to spirit and my true self.
I was and am, also willing to change.
Willingness has relentlessly been redefined in my life. I've taken it to the ledge and teetered in blissful anticipation. I've begun to understand myself and others underneath what they are saying or projecting. I'm accelerating my ability to keep judgement and instead allow acknowledgment and appreciation. I am willing to be in a different way. I am willing to be all of me, to ebb and flow with life in flexibility for my highest good. I am willing to create because I love it and even when I don't.
I am willing to accept this phase of willingness for what it means today. I know it will change again.
Are we here to connect or are we here to be free? It's been hard to distinguish which value means more to me, until I realized the freedom in complete abandoned connection. When we allow connection to ourselves, that deep inner origin of who we are, we become connected to everything and everyone.
The freedom in this is such an awe inspiring state There are no boundaries to be had, no walls to build, only limitless possibilities to fly and to love. We are free to decide every second of our life, about every relationship we engage in and every inspiration we choose to act upon.
To be inspired and have the freedom to create whenever and whatever we want is profound. Within the creative process, we live in a state of suspended belief. Anything is possible. We are completely connected to the source of all creation. To take this state of being away from the canvas and into my daily life has opened me to the universe. The ability to tap into myself so deeply, that it actually penetrates the physical realm of my body, is where I find love grows and breathes. This is where ART comes from. This is the origin of all beauty. This is where peace and serenity live. This is true FREEDOM,
I write stuff everywhere. I have notes on the back of business cards, trash mail, book covers, spread throughout 8 different journals and notebooks and yes I will write stuff on my hands.
I am not organized at all. The things I jot down are in drawers, under the bed, down the side of the bed, in my purse, glove compartment box and wherever you may feel the need to look for something when you can't find it.
This would drive most people nuts. If I put too much thought on this, I can start to feel insecure about this habit.
I don't really have an attachment to what I'm writing so I guess that is why it just lands where it may.
The things I write kind of turn into buried treasure as is the case for the poem I put below. I come across things all of the time, like little bursts of memory, inspiration and love, from myself. I actually read this today not knowing for sure that I had written it. It spoke so deeply to me.
I love that we can tell ourselves exactly what we need to hear in the most perfect ways. I love that something I wrote a long time ago, was really for me to read today.
So I’ve been putting off a juice cleanse for a while now and the Universe listened. I just had the worst 48 hours of food poisoning ever. I’ve never had such a relentless type of discomfort, well maybe it’s just been a long time. I’m traversing the end phase here still nauseous weak and achy. I'm pretty sure my hair might have hatchlings soon. I’m hoping to actually be up and moving around tomorrow.
I've had to call out twice to a brand new gig and possibly will again tomorrow, and this freaks me out. I'm really looking into this feeling of letting people down and the different avenues my brain takes trying to configure every possibility of what I could do to not have to. Its like I would do anything but have someone think less of me or see me not hold up my end of the bargain.
You would say that vomit and hallucinating isn't much to argue but the funny thing is we do argue with ourselves. Even when discourse is pointing in one direction and there are no other options to be had, to choose or to make, I will still find a space in my mind to diminish my own needs and put others before me. People will do this when they are dying.
People pleasing is the worst habit I have ever learned. I’m ridiculously good at it. Actually I’m Great at it. This is a new skill set, to become ungood at something. I’m slowly learning and moving in the direction of releasing whatever I get out of pleasing others.
I do know that every time I stand strong in who I am and ask for what I need, I feel in perfect harmony with myself and God. If I stretch myself one inch because I’m concerned about the other person and their perception of me, I will take it to bed and it will not sit well. I’m fake. I’m not being myself. These people don’t like me for who I am. I feel like they only like what I do for them and it’s an easier price to pay for praise and smiles than being myself and getting some sort of denial.
I can’t do it any longer. It's a stagnant source of happiness and it is not a real connection. I am about connection. I connect to myself, to God and through those means, to other people on a daily basis. When I practice life this way, I am a whole and complete person. I don’t need anyone else to shake their head yes in approval or pat me on the back. I do this for myself. I’m not validated by others' opinions of what I do or how I do it, what I write or say, or how I lead my life. It is none of my business how others think or feel and none of theirs regarding me.
Love should come so pure without attachment or projections. Love just is. It isn’t something we do, give or take. Love just is. To be love, in itself will be reciprocated. The Universe will attract such energies and throw them back. We are taken care of when we love without boundaries, restrictions or expectations. If I give something to you it is from the deepest part of myself out of love. Otherwise expect nothing. If you love with all of yourself and exist through love there is nothing to have, hold and carry. There is nothing to do, be or see. There is nothing to strive for, try to get or have. It is all taken care of from the source of love.
For the sake of all of you and for my honest truest self I will no longer please you. I will persist to love you genuinely and open heartedly.
Let our relationship fall as it may, with only respect and trust, in knowing that whatever the outcome, it is authentic and it is real.
The ugliest parts of ourselves have a lot to say and can be so beautiful.
I am nothing, not a single thing. Doesn't this also mean I am everything? If I come from nothing, am nothing, have nothing, give nothing I just am. I am here.
If I create from nothing wouldn't that also mean that the point of reference for creation would be nothing, me.
I'm considering this as I paint. I have no logical explanation of where it comes from. Even if I'm representing something objective like a vase or flower, the style in which I create it is an inspiration that comes through me. The colors, lines and strokes are not planned out. They just happen. It comes from nothingness. Unless I give the nothingness a definition like God or source, I have no conceptual understanding of what it is. I guess I can equate nothingness to magic. Because this makes me feel good. It sounds special. And these gifts that we have, are very magical.
Lisa Cairns just posted something on this so the idea did not come from nothing. It just got me thinking within a deeper perspective on what it all comes from.
I am nothing, so I am, which includes everything. But it's not even possible to imagine everything because everything is infinite. So basically my paintings are channeled through my body by the vast unknown we can't define, see or really hardly write a blog about.
I'm pretty close to saying we are puppets of aliens from other worlds'. Let me leave it as creation of beauty comes from all of us. Within the nothingness that we are as individuals, comes the expansion of all possibilities, complete connection to all living things and energetic outcomes.
Being myself, is being you. By painting, I'm creating life and accessing everything that it comes from which is "not a single thing." Our gifts as artists are representing creation from the collective and what we can all envision together beyond the black nothing of what is.
Every painting, brush stroke and colorful drip is of you.
Gosh Receiving is so good. This is my practice right now. I'm here practicing to be open and aware of all that's around me so that I can take it in. Really see it, really value it and become a vessel and facilitator to hold it, turn it around and give.
Giving is easier without receiving. I guess that's what I mean by "my practice". I want to give it all away. I want to give away all of the negative emotions, I want to give away my creativity for free, I want to give away my time to help others before I do what's necessary for myself. I think this is viewed as selfless, as a beautiful thing. But this type of giving is not sustainable.
I want to give for the rest of my days. I want my loving energy to continue on giving after I'm gone from this Earth. I want the gifts of my love, my wisdom, my art to continue giving until the end of time.
If I keep giving it all away without receiving my own love, my own creativity and my own insights I will have nothing left. I will be a one time giver. A giver that doesn't follow through. A giver that won't have enough to give to everyone. A giver that has nothing left for herself and therefore nothing left for the world.
So I'm receiving. I'm taking it in. I'm open to love and opportunities. I'm saying yes to helping hands, lunch dates with friends and inspired ideas. I'm accepting compliments. I'm letting things that scare me happen and I'm sitting with my dark days and receiving the call of that child self. I'm receiving touch and laughter and free art supplies too!
Receiving fills you up, this is abundance. I am overflowing in my practice and have so much to share and give to all of you.
Starting my own business is such an adventure. I have no idea what the future holds for me in way of finances. I'm learning to trust that as long as I keep doing what I'm passionate about everything works out, even the bills!
I know that it's a common theme to keep worrying about where your next paycheck is coming from, I still have those days of accessing the fear of what might not happen and it freaks me out. Instead of painting, I look on Craigslist for 2 hours to find another waitressing job.
I think its pretty common to fret about the output of money too. Instead of investing in ourselves and what we love and what makes us feel good, we like to keep it to ourselves and watch it sit there. We attach hundreds of fear based ideas to why it has to stay there, secure and in its place. Here's a list of some of my favorites:
- My generation won't have social security to live off of.
- I might get sick.
- What if your husband leaves?
- Save it for a rainy day. (look dude, it's raining TODAY!)
- I can't spend money on myself, I could buy tires.
- Just in case. (What exactly is in that case?)
- My children need a college education (even though I don't have any?)
Notice how all of my favorite reasons to hoard money are so negative and depressing? This is my point. When I attach myself to these ideas about money it keeps me down. It keeps me away from taking leaps of faith in myself and in my passions.
Living in this mindset about money is a very slippery rope. Maybe if you save money in case you get sick, you're telling the Universe, "Hey I can get sick now, I'm ready, look at all of my money!" I'm also giving off an energy that this money I'm hoarding has a ceiling. The fear that I won't have enough is also a self fulfilling prophecy of not having enough!
If we live in abundance with our hopes and dreams and give ourselves the chance to chase opportunities, health, happiness and security, money is in alignment with this. It is useful in fulfilling some of this stuff. Loosening our grip and allowing the ebb and flow creates so many more lists of positive possibilities.
The painting above has lived in my living rooms for the past 10 years. It is one of my most favorite possessions. I purchased it from an artist friend at an art fair, I had seen her work on it before and then there it was. I remember telling her if she didn't sell it that day to give me a call. She looked right at me and said "Heather, it's going to sell, if you love it just get it!" It was $800, I paid with a credit card.
I didn't have the money, really, and I had never purchased ANYTHING that expensive for myself in my entire life, especially a piece of art! I was shaking as I signed the slip. I got home, hung it over my fireplace and loved it. It was so beautiful and made me so happy but for two weeks I freaked out about how much it cost. I had anxiety and guilt and fear over how I was going to pay that huge purchase off!
But I did. It got paid off. I stare at this painting everyday and it gives me peace and a place of beauty, it brightens my home and my heart. It's not just a thing I bought it was an investment in myself. It was an idea and an inspiration I felt on a whim. It was something that I did purely for me, purely for bliss and to feel good.
I'm using this painting as a symbol for my life and my financial freedom! Every time I look at this piece of art I know that everything works out. It is a physical representation of validation for this way of thinking.
Money comes and goes just like our breath. Most of us don't worry about where our next breath comes from. How can we trust our breath and not everything else?
If you'd like to explore this liberation of thinking and living further check out Kyle Cease and GO to one of his events. This was also an amazing gift to myself that cost money. But now I'm here on this website living my dreams as an artist and hopefully inspiring you to live yours!
Addressing the to-do list of my life, I'm once again finding myself stuck in prioritizing my time purgatory. It looks a little like this:
Wake up really early naturally but its cold so I can't get up just yet and there are two cats snuggled up on my legs. Start Painting but check my email first then I need to eat something and walk the dog. Correspond to clients, oh wait I'm tagged on Facebook and my room is so messy I don't feel creative. I'm now feeling very motivated to paint but I should write this blog first and then make a to-do list. My Dad called to meet for tea so I'll paint when I get back. Time for Yoga, a nap, bills, paint again for 10 minutes and then talk to my sister on the phone for an hour. Paint? I should look on Craigslist for a "real" job.
I have an amazing life! I am so blessed to be able to let my heart lead the way. I am choosing to do what I love and the support of my friends and family and the universe is raising me up. I'm actually reading this over again and realizing I do get things done in my own way. If I choose the everything is perfect way of looking at life, then my way of navigating the day is perfect.
I'm so hard on myself for not having a streamlined plan of action. I will end a day like this and feel guilty and bad about myself for not "accomplishing" anything all day.
So I'm thinking there is a balance. I haven't found my sweet spot yet on how to work from home and have my own time to manage.
And then last night my shaman friend Matteo said the most amazing thing, "If you can do things with a higher intensity in a shorter period of time, you can get a lot done." His example was getting out of bed. If you feel like you want to stay in bed and not yet face the world, give yourself permission but with a time limit. Kind of like the snooze button but with a deeper intention.
Stay in bed for another half hour but do it with intensity. Really feel the luxury and amazing comfort you've chosen for yourself and be the most lazy you can possibly be until your time is up. The heightened satisfaction of a planned distractive or deflective action in your day is brilliant.
Be completely present in the moment of your distraction. The high intensity slacking off is fulfilling when it's presented into your daily plan of action because you're scheduling it with an informed choice. This makes getting to work seamless and less daunting especially when you're fulfilling your desires and whims with an informed guideline.
I believe doing this throughout your day is an amazing way to keep yourself in purpose and happy within the stress of deadlines and tasks. High intensity breaks weave and woe through my day and when I have a completed painting or amazing interaction with a person, that intensity makes it all the more spectacular.
After I post this I'm going to take a very intense hot bath for 30 minutes! Go!
I can't tell you how many times I've said out loud "I can't afford it."
An opportunity will arise and the first place I go is my wallet and how it won't be able to make such an opportunity happen. I have an internal struggle with myself about how poor I really am and that I'm not living a good life and that I'm irresponsible and I don't deserve said opportunity because I don't work hard enough.
Is it not more important to put that money and time into something more tangible like new tires for the winter or to put it into my savings account for when I'm 80? Shouldn't I use that money for poor kids or that weekend to clean out the garage? When did time become something we couldn't afford?
Man I'm stressed out already just trying to make a hypothetical point, I need a big expensive coffee from the coffee crack house.
Telling yourself "you can't afford it" has a bigger message then the literal fact of not having the funds available. Saying you can't afford something is saying to yourself that you are not worthy, that you couldn't handle it, that this opportunity coming your way would harm you. This message is a huge self fulfilling prophecy. It is loaded with belief systems from our past and from fear of what we don't know.
The truth is how can we afford NOT to do it, commit to it, invest in it, and accept the opportunities the universe knows are ours to have? What if these opportunities are in front of us because we can handle it, because we are up for some change that is benefiting our lives? We are ready to live in our passions and start validating this by saying YES I can afford this!
It is pretty interesting that more times than not we choose what we know (lack of funds, lack of time, comfort and safety) over what we don't know.
**why do I do that? It sounds horrible!**
When we approach opportunities in which we don't know the outcome to with an I can afford anything and everything mentality, we open ourselves up to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!
I can look at my life right now and remember not ever imagining where I am today. The fantastical adventures, the people I've met, the amazing person I am were all unfolded events of my life that I did not know would come to be. I have to keep reminding myself of this.
This might mean yes next month or a savings jar under the bed. Our subconscious is listening to every word and thought we put out there. If you can afford to say yes and take action then you can afford the bountiful abundance of possibilities and adventures life has to offer.
You can afford this because you are worth it!
What do I really want?
I've been told the past few days to state what I want, like anything I desire! Wow! Anything?
I typically don't want for anything. I'm pretty low key and go with the flow. I've always been the type of person to just be "happy" with what I have. I always thought I was being grateful and if I wanted anything more it was frivolous and perhaps coming from a greedy foundation. I would keep my wanting more at bay and live life as it was handed to me.
Then someone gave me an option. Wait a minute! What if you could make X amount of money a month and do what you love doing? What if you could be an independent artist and become financially stable? There are plenty of other people doing it! I know your husband is an amazing human but you are not happy, what if you could be in a happy and fulfilling relationship?
This someone was actually me becoming aware that desires are mine to be had and to follow, to only better myself and the world around me. How can I keep living my life in complete service of my purpose if I just settled in to what was handed me. Life is a choice. If I choose to sit idle and want for nothing then that's how it will be but if I choose to grab life by the horns and make it what I want, then anything is possible.
Stating my truest desires are not frivolous. I'm a good person and what I want are amazing things that benefit me and the world. How dare I not take what I want! How dare I not stand up and shout my desires from the mountain top!
Just stating what you want is action towards your deepest truth and desires.