I am constantly analyzing, researching, looking for what a relationship even means. Does it mean anything? I'm seriously changing so rapidly in how I perceive things I don't think my body has quite caught up. I keep pulling that foot back to the other side. Relationships are equal. Relationships are why we are here. Relationships with other people are not strong because the relationship with myself needs to be stronger. I can't be in a relationship until I can make myself feel whole. It's a daily battle.
I'm starting to settle in. As my body and mind squirm around trying to come into agreement with each other, I am getting glimpses of amazing clarity.
Clarity perspective #1: The only relationship that exists is the one with myself. Period.
Clarity perspective #2: When you have romantic feelings for someone this reality goes out the window. Especially, during your period.
This is the ledge I'm balancing on. I know what I believe in. Nobody has the power to hurt me. Nobody has the power to make me feel a certain way. I make myself feel safe and loved and respected. I know that 100% of what I'm thinking is crap I'm making up. I know that my love for myself and the other people in my life is unbounded, real and has no expectations. I truly do love you all no matter what. My body is very clear on this.
But it's still here. The juggle of knowing this and feeling this other stuff too. I guess this is the human struggle. Do we sit on top of a mountain and wait for enlightenment or choose to be enlightened and so it is?
We can be with our thoughts and breath and be happy. We can rock the boat a little and get into our head about why he didn't call back or my mom didn't say she was proud of me. It all happens. It's all experience. I think I'm done trying to control which role to play each day. I just want to experience life. I have this body. I have this mind. Their relationship is equal and the most important one of my life.