"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Do you remember being asked that a million times when you were little? What did you used to say? I used to say a ballerina or an artist.
"What do you do for a living?" "What did you go to school for?" "What is your passion?" These are questions I get asked all of the time and honestly they paralyze me. I hate talking about myself. I know that this blog contradicts this statement but it's true. Get me in front of you, ask me something personal about what I do and watch me sweat! Then watch how interested in you I become, it is so much more fascinating.
I was just wondering why I get so freaked out about it. "How are you?" "What are YOU up to?" If you ask me these questions just know that a surge of anxiety pulses inside of my chest. I don't want to answer incorrectly. I want to say the right thing. I want to be clear and confident in what I choose to tell you. I want to look like I have my shit together!
I think I'm stunted in these questions because they facilitate towards a one sided answer, an answer that has no growth. These questions make me constrict because I can't decide what ONE thing to say. What is the REAL thing, what is it they are really asking? "What do you do for a living?" Ugggh! I'm a freaking waitress! "What is your passion?" I paint? "Heather how are you?" I'm good, I guess.
I'm not being myself when I answer these questions and that is why I get weird. I'm trying to please you. I have 8 jobs. I have 20 different hobbies. I love trying new things. I'm not an expert in most of them. The struggle is in trying to find the thing you want me to say most.
Here's how I'm choosing to answer. Here's how I'm choosing to step up in my life because I'm only an expert, in being me.
"What do you do for a living?" I live. I breathe and move and my heart beats just like yours. I laugh. I cry and I can see your pain through your eyes and I can show you the universe in mine. I can hug you because I'm right here in front of you. I love. I'm in love.
"How are you?" I'm here. I don't know how. It's a miracle every time I become aware of this. I'm amazing and so are you. We are both here having this conversation, what do you think brought us together? I'm in love.
"What is your passion?" I'm passionately feeling into everything I do. I'm passionate about you and me and how we are connecting. I'm passionate about peace and creation and love.
There is not one thing, there is no answer. And I'm beginning to love this.
Before you ask me a question about myself, be sure you really want to know. You're asking me to define the universe and all of its infinite possibilities.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
When I grow up I want to be me.