Vulnerable

vul·ner·a·ble

ˈvəln(ə)rəb(ə)l/

adjective

  1. susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

    "we were in a vulnerable position"

    synonyms:helplessdefenselesspowerlessimpotentweaksusceptible

    "he was scared and vulnerable"

This definition just gave me a huge body shock. I'm shaking. I use this word a lot. I've used this word to describe myself in times of opening and releasing. I use this word to describe amazing people speaking from their heart and speaking their truth. "Man that was incredible, they were so vulnerable up there, I can completely relate to them!" 

I defined myself as this word this weekend. I actually felt  free using it and allowing myself to convey such an intimate feeling. I used this idea as a way of connecting to other people that I believed were feeling and acting the same. We were all being so "open and vulnerable". It was beautiful. It brings tears to me eyes thinking about it.

How did I start using this word so commonly when I didn't even know the true definition? I've been misusing this word my entire life. When I'm feeling open and completely releasing all of my emotional barriers, society is telling me that I am helpless. That I am weak. That someone is going to shank me!

No wonder it's so difficult to drop the heaviness, the protective armor. I don't want people to see me struggle with my demons. I fear not being loved. I fear not being good enough. I fear success because I like my comfort zone. I don't believe I can make money as an artist. My body isn't normal. Nobody sees me.

Somewhere, we were lead to believe that we are in an emotional battle and the more we keep it in, the more we can get away with. We look independent, strong and like we have it all together. We believe that we are  susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm when dropping the barriers to live and be truth. What in the hell is that?

We're only hiding.

I'm not vulnerable. I'm fearless and strong and able to release old patterns of thought outside of myself. I can share how I feel, all of the dark scary parts, express them outward into the light, where queens slay dragons and a single name eradicates the Nothing.

These old beliefs, habits and patterns are vulnerable, not me and not you.