So I’ve been putting off a juice cleanse for a while now and the Universe listened. I just had the worst 48 hours of food poisoning ever. I’ve never had such a relentless type of discomfort, well maybe it’s just been a long time. I’m traversing the end phase here still nauseous weak and achy. I'm pretty sure my hair might have hatchlings soon. I’m hoping to actually be up and moving around tomorrow.
I've had to call out twice to a brand new gig and possibly will again tomorrow, and this freaks me out. I'm really looking into this feeling of letting people down and the different avenues my brain takes trying to configure every possibility of what I could do to not have to. Its like I would do anything but have someone think less of me or see me not hold up my end of the bargain.
You would say that vomit and hallucinating isn't much to argue but the funny thing is we do argue with ourselves. Even when discourse is pointing in one direction and there are no other options to be had, to choose or to make, I will still find a space in my mind to diminish my own needs and put others before me. People will do this when they are dying.
People pleasing is the worst habit I have ever learned. I’m ridiculously good at it. Actually I’m Great at it. This is a new skill set, to become ungood at something. I’m slowly learning and moving in the direction of releasing whatever I get out of pleasing others.
I do know that every time I stand strong in who I am and ask for what I need, I feel in perfect harmony with myself and God. If I stretch myself one inch because I’m concerned about the other person and their perception of me, I will take it to bed and it will not sit well. I’m fake. I’m not being myself. These people don’t like me for who I am. I feel like they only like what I do for them and it’s an easier price to pay for praise and smiles than being myself and getting some sort of denial.
I can’t do it any longer. It's a stagnant source of happiness and it is not a real connection. I am about connection. I connect to myself, to God and through those means, to other people on a daily basis. When I practice life this way, I am a whole and complete person. I don’t need anyone else to shake their head yes in approval or pat me on the back. I do this for myself. I’m not validated by others' opinions of what I do or how I do it, what I write or say, or how I lead my life. It is none of my business how others think or feel and none of theirs regarding me.
Love should come so pure without attachment or projections. Love just is. It isn’t something we do, give or take. Love just is. To be love, in itself will be reciprocated. The Universe will attract such energies and throw them back. We are taken care of when we love without boundaries, restrictions or expectations. If I give something to you it is from the deepest part of myself out of love. Otherwise expect nothing. If you love with all of yourself and exist through love there is nothing to have, hold and carry. There is nothing to do, be or see. There is nothing to strive for, try to get or have. It is all taken care of from the source of love.
For the sake of all of you and for my honest truest self I will no longer please you. I will persist to love you genuinely and open heartedly.
Let our relationship fall as it may, with only respect and trust, in knowing that whatever the outcome, it is authentic and it is real.
The ugliest parts of ourselves have a lot to say and can be so beautiful.