Buyers' Remorse

                                                                  St orytellers ,  Alix Evendorff,  oil on canvas, 2004

                                                                  Storytellers, Alix Evendorff, oil on canvas, 2004

Starting my own business is such an adventure. I have no idea what the future holds for me in way of finances. I'm learning to trust that as long as I keep doing what I'm passionate about everything works out, even the bills! 

I know that it's a common theme to keep worrying about where your next paycheck is coming from, I still have those days of accessing the fear of what might not happen and it freaks me out. Instead of painting, I look on Craigslist for 2 hours to find another waitressing job. 

I think its pretty common to fret about the output of money too. Instead of investing in ourselves and what we love and what makes us feel good, we like to keep it to ourselves and watch it sit there. We attach hundreds of fear based ideas to why it has to stay there, secure and in its place. Here's a list of some of my favorites: 

  • My generation won't have social security to live off of.
  • I might get sick.
  • What if your husband leaves?
  • Save it for a rainy day. (look dude, it's raining TODAY!)
  • I can't spend money on myself, I could buy tires.
  • Just in case. (What exactly is in that case?)
  • My children need a college education (even though I don't have any?)

Notice how all of my favorite reasons to hoard money are so negative and depressing? This is my point. When I attach myself to these ideas about money it keeps me down. It keeps me away from taking leaps of faith in myself and in my passions.

Living in this mindset about money is a very slippery rope. Maybe if you save money in case you get sick, you're telling the Universe, "Hey I can get sick now, I'm ready, look at all of my money!" I'm also giving off an energy that this money I'm hoarding has a ceiling. The fear that I won't have enough is also a self fulfilling prophecy of not having enough! 

If we live in abundance with our hopes and dreams and give ourselves the chance to chase opportunities, health, happiness and security, money is in alignment with this. It is useful in fulfilling some of this stuff. Loosening our grip and allowing the ebb and flow creates so many more lists of positive possibilities.

The painting above has lived in my living rooms for the past 10 years. It is one of my most favorite possessions. I purchased it from an artist friend at an art fair, I had seen her work on it before and then there it was. I remember telling her if she didn't sell it that day to give me a call. She looked right at me and said "Heather, it's going to sell, if you love it just get it!" It was $800, I paid with a credit card.

I didn't have the money, really, and I had never purchased ANYTHING that expensive for myself in my entire life, especially a piece of art! I was shaking as I signed the slip. I got home, hung it over my fireplace and loved it. It was so beautiful and made me so happy but for two weeks I freaked out about how much it cost. I had anxiety and guilt and fear over how I was going to pay that huge purchase off! 

But I did. It got paid off. I stare at this painting everyday and it gives me peace and a place of beauty, it brightens my home and my heart. It's not just a thing I bought it was an investment in myself. It was an idea and an inspiration I felt on a whim. It was something that I did purely for me, purely for bliss and to feel good. 

 I'm using this painting as a symbol for my life and my financial freedom! Every time I look at this piece of art I know that everything works out. It is a physical representation of validation for this way of thinking. 

Money comes and goes just like our breath. Most of us don't worry about where our next breath comes from. How can we trust our breath and not everything else?


If you'd like to explore this liberation of thinking and living further check out Kyle Cease and GO to one of his events. This was also an amazing gift to myself that cost money. But now I'm here on this website living my dreams as an artist and hopefully inspiring you to live yours!