Why is abundance so hard to see for most of us? I think blindness takes on a very specific meaning in this world and it is really not meant for the people who can't see out of their eyes. Actually, I'm going to say that people with physical disability see the best out of all of us. When it's all handed to us we get comfortable in our beliefs and then when a crinkle in the perfection of life appears, we are completely thrown through the very clean window. I'm blind every other day. Blindness is not rare or special or weird in these terms. When you're sitting in a field of sunflowers in the middle of the forest thinking you're broke, sad or alone, you had better open the window.
The knowing part of me is hiding pretty deeply. I've held space for some heavy stories today and then I realized my story became super heavy. Why must I continue to carry it around? It's there and fine and then I like to add things. And then more things. Must be where my love for layers in my artwork comes from. Perhaps the uncovering is what we're addicted to.
I just came across this piece from last year. Initially I never "finished" it. I picked it up and thought I would have another go at it until it told me no. I used to have that critique a lot with my work from other artists. It looks "unfinished". How do you know? How do you tell somebody else when to stop or keep going? If in your eyes it looks unfinished, perhaps it's the message you needed to hear. We are always trying to fix things. Trying to be so perfect and have so many rules. It reminds me of doing the work on myself. How unfinished I feel sometimes. When I get down really deep I can see the bones, the foundation of my heart. There's nothing to finish. The seed already had the perfect design.
I can't count how many times I have thrown away the value of the last 20 minutes of something. Be it quitting early on a project, agonizing the first 20 minutes of starting a painting, 20 more minutes before I leave or the last 20 minutes before bed. All of that time adds up! Honestly the dreaded time it takes to do things or create things is such an excuse to ourselves to not be great. I just painted this in 20 minutes and now it exists and is something to give and add to the world that came from me.
I seem different today. I feel different. I look back on the past year and I can't even recognize that person as me. There is familiarity.
This painting is different then it was yesterday, like two paintings merged into one. I guess that's what I love about it.
Maybe it's more like things seem the same. I paint hummingbirds all day long, I felt a little self conscious choosing him tonight for my subject matter. But he's not the same as anything I've ever painted because I just did this right now.
It's impossible for anything to ever be the same. Every moment is new. There is a middle ground between the same and different where theologies, ideologies and perspectives don't exist. This consolidation is where peace lives, merged together on one canvas. The differences are what make it beautiful.
Comment and follow along, I will be giving another painting away next Monday. All proceeds from paintings sold will be donated to http://www.artsaccessinc.org
Who makes your heart flutter?
Comment below! I'll be giving a painting away tomorrow to my favorite response on FB!
The first day: We walked across the street into a coffee shop in Long Beach and he twirled me through the doorway. The rest of that day we sat on a bench in a park and were surrounded by butterflies, squirrels, birds and an older gentleman practicing his tuba. How is this some transformational vision your future story? Because it showed up like a fairy tale and I've decided to believe in them.
Please share so we can give money to this amazing foundation http://www.artsaccessinc.org.
#artforall #painting #photoshop #butterfly #twitterpated #love #heart #art #giveaway #receive #give #thispieceistotallyphotoshopped #learningbrushes
What's your favorite ocean memory?
Mine is growing up in San Diego. I remember going to the beach and going into the water up to my knees. I would shove my hands down into the sand in-between every wave and gather so many sand dollars. I used to keep all of my shells in a cardboard, Quaker oatmeal cylinder. I've collected so many shells over the years. I noticed the last few times at the ocean, I would pick them up and carry them with me on my walk and then set them back down before I left. We like to own things, there is a rush to hold onto it all. There is a deeper calling to put it down and leave it where it was. Feel how free your hands would be?
Painting a day & Weekly GIVEAWAY (comment below or come play on FB https://www.facebook.com/hmariesmith something rad for your chance to have this little mixed media piece)
Purchase any painting and all proceeds will go to http://www.artsaccessinc.org, an amazing organization in Raleigh, NC, offering art of all kinds to people with disabilities. #artforeveryone #Giveaway#free #painting #play #summer #art
Here it is, my heart in your hands (thanks Jewell). We seem so concerned with others playing with our hearts. I'm saying play away. Play with possibilities. Play with the life you've been given. I'm still breathing, so this heart of mine must be on to something.
Follow along the next month for a painting a day and free painting GIVEAWAY every MONDAY. Purchase any painting and all proceeds will go to http://www.artsaccessinc.org, an amazing organization in Raleigh, NC, offering art of all kinds to people with disabilities. #artforeveryone #Giveaway #free #painting #play #summer #art
I'm learning how to receive for the first time at 39 years of age. It doesn't mean that I've never gotten anything or been grateful, my life is incredible, I have never wanted for anything, accept now I'm realizing again in a deeper way, perhaps myself.
Learning to receive for me is allowing the gift of my life. I want to help. I want to help for all of the wrong reasons. The number one reason is if I'm trying to help you, than I don't have to receive anything. I have no idea how to handle that. It's obvious that when I help you, I have a way out of looking at me and completely missing what I truly have to offer.
When I have nothing left to give because the receiving energy is blocked, I'm not present, I'm not passionate, I'm totally hiding under you and your needs and your ability to tell me thank you. This is such a crazy thing to admit to myself and to you. But there it is.
I think I'm known as a very compassionate, helpful person, but the truth is, I've been super shitty at it! All I can do is laugh when I help to pack a box and somebody comes behind me and repacks it or redoes the dishwasher every night, why bother!? I will be a shitty giver until I am a phenomenal receiver. I get to be in the desert for the next three months, creating and taking care of myself, I get to give and receive love to myself!!!
My passion for art and creativity has exploded during this intentional sabbatical, I have so many exciting things coming up and can't wait to share them with you as I give and give to myself so I can REALLY give to all of you.
I am who I am so I can't just quit COLD TURKEY...
In honor of receiving, for the next 30 days. I will be GIVING AWAY 1 painting every Monday. I will be posting a painting a day and will write something. Here's the equal energy exchange: I would love comments! My favorite comment of the week will get praise and a painting! New lesson about receiving (ask for what you want) comments that I resonate with are: deep, poetic, insightful, giving and funny!
CHARITABLE CATCH!!!! At the end of the Month I will be auctioning off the month of paintings to help support the amazing Foundation http://artsaccessinc.org. Arts Access provides artistic opportunities and experiences for people with Disabilities in my almost new home, Raleigh, NC.
Let the receiving begin!
All my love,
White is a combination of every color in the rainbow. We tend to forget about white. The reds and magentas, blues and cobalts are so much more alluring. They are distinguishable, have a purpose for the ocean, for the rose or for the lips. We can understand them, we go towards them, they are the most used crayons in the box.
White gets forgotten. We loose ourselves in the specifics. We forget that white has all of the colors to offer. That white is the source for all colors ever imagined or perceived. White is the space on a canvas that allows the cadmium paint to breathe. White is the infinity where nothing begins or ends. White causes the reflection of this world back into our eyes. Without white we wouldn't be able to sculpt our lives out of the darkness. White is where we were already whole.
Is there really such a thing as a closed heart? In dealing with people that might be thought to live with this infliction, I'm starting to notice a very clear similarity. I tend to see right through their put off ways, deflections to life and overall protection of who they really are deep inside. I always find the good, the possibility and hold hope for them. I can put myself in someone else's shoes and consider where they're coming from, this will actually open my heart even more. I’ve given this belief to myself, a worry that at times my heart isn’t open enough and that it is bad and I get anxiety. The anxiety comes from not feeling adequate enough in having enough heart to go around. But as I see through everyone else’s personal internal struggle and only see light and love, I’m learning to do so towards myself. It’s hard to miss the cavernous, open space of the heart unless you’re trying really hard not to find it.
I am constantly analyzing, researching, looking for what a relationship even means. Does it mean anything? I'm seriously changing so rapidly in how I perceive things I don't think my body has quite caught up. I keep pulling that foot back to the other side. Relationships are equal. Relationships are why we are here. Relationships with other people are not strong because the relationship with myself needs to be stronger. I can't be in a relationship until I can make myself feel whole. It's a daily battle.
I'm starting to settle in. As my body and mind squirm around trying to come into agreement with each other, I am getting glimpses of amazing clarity.
Clarity perspective #1: The only relationship that exists is the one with myself. Period.
Clarity perspective #2: When you have romantic feelings for someone this reality goes out the window. Especially, during your period.
This is the ledge I'm balancing on. I know what I believe in. Nobody has the power to hurt me. Nobody has the power to make me feel a certain way. I make myself feel safe and loved and respected. I know that 100% of what I'm thinking is crap I'm making up. I know that my love for myself and the other people in my life is unbounded, real and has no expectations. I truly do love you all no matter what. My body is very clear on this.
But it's still here. The juggle of knowing this and feeling this other stuff too. I guess this is the human struggle. Do we sit on top of a mountain and wait for enlightenment or choose to be enlightened and so it is?
We can be with our thoughts and breath and be happy. We can rock the boat a little and get into our head about why he didn't call back or my mom didn't say she was proud of me. It all happens. It's all experience. I think I'm done trying to control which role to play each day. I just want to experience life. I have this body. I have this mind. Their relationship is equal and the most important one of my life.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Do you remember being asked that a million times when you were little? What did you used to say? I used to say a ballerina or an artist.
"What do you do for a living?" "What did you go to school for?" "What is your passion?" These are questions I get asked all of the time and honestly they paralyze me. I hate talking about myself. I know that this blog contradicts this statement but it's true. Get me in front of you, ask me something personal about what I do and watch me sweat! Then watch how interested in you I become, it is so much more fascinating.
I was just wondering why I get so freaked out about it. "How are you?" "What are YOU up to?" If you ask me these questions just know that a surge of anxiety pulses inside of my chest. I don't want to answer incorrectly. I want to say the right thing. I want to be clear and confident in what I choose to tell you. I want to look like I have my shit together!
I think I'm stunted in these questions because they facilitate towards a one sided answer, an answer that has no growth. These questions make me constrict because I can't decide what ONE thing to say. What is the REAL thing, what is it they are really asking? "What do you do for a living?" Ugggh! I'm a freaking waitress! "What is your passion?" I paint? "Heather how are you?" I'm good, I guess.
I'm not being myself when I answer these questions and that is why I get weird. I'm trying to please you. I have 8 jobs. I have 20 different hobbies. I love trying new things. I'm not an expert in most of them. The struggle is in trying to find the thing you want me to say most.
Here's how I'm choosing to answer. Here's how I'm choosing to step up in my life because I'm only an expert, in being me.
"What do you do for a living?" I live. I breathe and move and my heart beats just like yours. I laugh. I cry and I can see your pain through your eyes and I can show you the universe in mine. I can hug you because I'm right here in front of you. I love. I'm in love.
"How are you?" I'm here. I don't know how. It's a miracle every time I become aware of this. I'm amazing and so are you. We are both here having this conversation, what do you think brought us together? I'm in love.
"What is your passion?" I'm passionately feeling into everything I do. I'm passionate about you and me and how we are connecting. I'm passionate about peace and creation and love.
There is not one thing, there is no answer. And I'm beginning to love this.
Before you ask me a question about myself, be sure you really want to know. You're asking me to define the universe and all of its infinite possibilities.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
When I grow up I want to be me.
That Eagle on your back, you know the talent, power, beauty and service you have to offer this world? She's there, waiting for you give her some encouragement. It hurts, it's raw but she needs you to stop and listen and believe in her. Tell her she can fly. Give her permission to soar into the clouds and spread her wings as wide as the ocean.
Someone used this term describing another person the other day. In some ways I was like YES that totally describes him and in another way It made my stomach cringe. I started thinking to myself how I'm not a tortured artist and it giving me feelings of lack, as if I'm not a real artist because I'm not super dark and have an insane history or background to create cutting edge content and imagery. I don't have much drama.
It's true that this type of person creates interesting stuff. My favorite genre of film is the dark comedy. As a culture, we are obsessed with the inner workings and the dark mysteries of the human psyche. It brings about a heightened curiosity and intrigue. These types of stories and expression touch a space within ourselves that we can relate to as well as feel perplexed by. We wonder if these tortured parts can exist within us. It's addicting as a voyeur but isn't it addicting playing the lead role as the tortured artist too?
This isn't a type of artist, this is a categorization of another human. It's a very attractive box because the darkness is easy to get swept up in. It's living in the contrast. The contrast gives the drama, emotion and depth in life as well as in art. It is interesting and sought out. It gains attention from others and we like that. The sad and the depressing become commanding aspects of desire from the outside world and we listen because at least they're looking our way. It's all so beautiful and real.
But the tortured artist is just another part. It is not our true nature. It is a methodology of personality, a role that we can choose to play. We can get super into being alone and miserable because "nobody understands us." But doesn't everyone understand? We are all here as human beings. We have the same feelings and emotions. Some days they are tortured some days they are sparkly fun. Some days I will paint darker images like black hearts ripped open and the next day I paint a Care Bear.
I don't believe in categorizing who we are, especially when it comes to creation. Creation just happens. Artists create because something comes through them. It's all different depending on any given moment of the day. Artists use shadow and light to convey the world as they see it. The tortured artist has all of the availability to stop at Michaels and pick up some Titanium White. The contrast doesn't exist without the light.
"...small birds are pretty but there are many pretty birds. Eagle is big and powerful but there are not many Eagles." Latao
I enjoy the little things for sure but I'm not playing "small" any longer. For so long, so many of us have been tied to some messed up belief that we aren't worthy of being our full, true selves. That we aren't needed to be who we are to make a difference in this world. I use to tell myself this crap. I don't believe it anymore. I'm ready to soar. What messed up stuff are you ready to unbound yourself from?
It's the little things. I say this all of the time. But it is so true. Small seeds grow into BIG trees, just like ideas and moments. What little things do you notice in life and how do they get massive with a new perspective?
Kevin won my heart with this simple response:
" Dreams...start out as little fleeting moments in time until we pay attention to them and watch them and work for them to fruition..."
Why dream of the possibilities when you can see them?
Douglas Fierot :)
"Heather! I grew up in a woods in Ohio - many giant oak trees. I remember holding acorns as a kid and being amazed that this tiny 'thing' could grow into the giants I climbed on, who provided us shade in summer, whose leaves i raked into massive piles in the fall, the branches of which scraped against our roof on windy nights, lulling us to sleep. Yes, possibilities, indeed!"
When we "show up" no matter how uncomfortable and squirmy we feel inside of our own skin, it gets better. When I let myself sit with unease or something not settled, it seems to work out so much more simply than trying to make it go away. How bout y'all?
Seriously do you want it?
Do you ask for what you want? Do you ask yourself what you want? If you haven't figured it out yet, it's very okay to do that!
When something I want is being called to me by my bones, I get so scared and nervous but somehow I just go ahead and ask anyhow. I think that initial fear just means you really want it.